My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
