Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
