Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
