I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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