Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
