i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
