Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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