**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
