its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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