It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
