Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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