you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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