why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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