Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
