I met the friendliest cop last night
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
