Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
