I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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