Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
