I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm getting married
To pizza
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
