i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
