similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
