The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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