The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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