Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
