You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
