I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
