Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
