you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
worst night to have a conscience
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
