I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
