I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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