im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
