Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
