you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
