When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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