I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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