i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
