I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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