So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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