i think my mom watched the whole time
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's shark week go big or go home
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
