I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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