I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
