FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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