I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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