he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
