he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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