i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
