You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up under a house in Key West
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
