May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
