you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
