i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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