I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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