I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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