the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
