I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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