woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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