My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
